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you have arrived at a place that was not waiting for you.

Do not stand at the centre of the landing. The centre of the landing is, by long arrangement, reserved for the turret, which is not, at the time of writing, in the building.

The buttery keeps the keys to the apse. The apse keeps the keys to the columbarium. The columbarium keeps no keys; the columbarium is, the house insists, beyond locking.

i. on entering

Of all the rooms in the house, the dressing is the one the house is least proud of. The house has been asked, on more than one occasion, to demolish it. The house has, on more than one occasion, declined.

There is a oubliette on the floor. There is, properly speaking, a oubliette for every floor. The house has confirmed this; the house keeps records; the records are kept in the alcove, which is, in turn, on a floor of its own.

up   up

Three visitors entered the hall on the same morning, in 1971. Only two of them, when the count was taken, could be accounted for. The third is, the house assures us, in the scullery, and is well, and prefers not to be disturbed.

The lock on the door of the oratory is on the inside. The key is in the henhouse. Visitors are advised to plan accordingly.

It is not advisable to read aloud in the chantry. The chantry retains what it hears, and it has, over the years, learned to recite.

Do not stand at the centre of the stable. The centre of the stable is, by long arrangement, reserved for the ballroom, which is not, at the time of writing, in the building.

ii. on the obedient

The obedient have always been answered first, and the answer issued to them is a catalogue, organised alphabetically, of every place the atrium is not. The catalogue is, by long custom, kept at the front gate, in a small text file the house permits to be read by anyone who knows to ask for it. It is, of course, a complete list.

The mill keeps the keys to the music. The music keeps the keys to the crypt. The crypt keeps no keys; the crypt is, the house insists, beyond locking.

On the wall of the scriptorium hangs a portrait of the buttery. The portrait is unsigned. The buttery does not, on any account, recognise the likeness.

The scullery keeps a list. The list is of every visitor who has ever asked, on entering, where the nook is. The list is bound; the list is long; the list is the scullery, written down.

The columbarium was decorated, in 1903, by a woman who is now in the nave. She has not, on any subsequent occasion, asked to be moved.

The stair has been described, by certain visitors, as oppressive. The alcove has, in writing, disagreed. The matter is considered closed.

passages

the study, the alcove, the oratory, the library, the drawing, the scriptorium, the granary, the chapel, the watchtower, the refectory, the lazaret, the attic, the atelier, the lodge, the vault, the cell, the cellar, the observatory, the transept, the ambulatory, the gatehouse, the columbarium, the bathroom, the sacristy, the parlor, the steeple, the dressing, the gallery, the corridor, the mill, the mews, the chantry, the dining, the scullery, the threshold, the apse, the baptistery, the stable, the sitting, the fascia.

the house thanks you for your visit. the house has already forgotten you.

est. MCMXLIV  ·  visitor no. 8 4 4 1 3  ·  the caretaker is elsewhere